Vulnerable Victor

     I haven’t written in over two months. It honestly feels a little weird to be sitting here typing on my laptop. When I write I have to get in the zone you know? No distractions, just me and my feelings. But anxiety and fear have grown and the world has gotten darker so I’ve avoided writing in fear of opening up to my emotional side. That’s not any way to live life though. If 2020 has taught us anything, it’s that we need to have faith in ourselves and others. We need to be vulnerable and feel absolutely everything. Feel the fear, the sadness, the joy, the anxiety, the heartbreak, and the weight lifted off of our shoulders. I realized that the only way to move on from everything holding us back is to talk about it. But actually talk about it, you know? Sure some people have therapists but even they are experiencing this. We’re all going through this outrageous time and we don’t know when or IF things are going to go back to normal. And speaking of normal, what is that to you? You don’t know anymore, do you? That’s okay. Change your normal. Change it so that you only do what makes you happy, change it so you remove the toxic people from your life, change it so that you are open with yourself and you can become your own best friend. Yes things are bad, this is a shit year, etc. but there are amazing things going on too. This is our chance to open our eyes, FINALLY. We needed this to happen to realize our own mortality. This is OUR chance to fix all the shit that we’ve destroyed. The world is healing, there is less pollution, animals are walking freely, and even though we’re separated, humans are closer than ever. Stop complaining about how rough this situation is and start practicing gratitude. However, I digress, of course we’re always going to need that place where we can blow off that steam and rant and vent about whatever we’re going through. So, I’m here to offer this post as your anonymous rant space. If you ever feel like you need to say something that you feel like no one will understand, this will be here to hear you out. I can’t promise that no one will read it but 1) they won’t know who’s comment it is and 2) I doubt anyone wants to spend time reading about someone’s problems – that’s weird don’t do that. Even if you just type it to see what you’re feeling and delete it, at least you thought of my blog to let everything out. This is for you; I offer my love, positivity, and support in your life journey and if you need this post, it will always be here for you. 

      Comment down below if you need to and thank you. Seriously, thank you for being here, you have no idea how much I appreciate you. – Jan

2 thoughts on “Vulnerable Victor

  1. I wanna share this story because I know so many people go through this. One year ago, I started a new health journey. My goal then was to lose weight. I was “overweight” and multiple loved ones for my own good I shall say, told me I should prioritize my health, they never told me they were worried about my weight but about my health choices. I don’t remember ever eating a vegetable or fruit. I was all carbs all cheese all meat. That summer after my freshman year of college I made a promise to myself to lose weight, eat healthier, and workout everyday. I did that. I lost 30 pounds, and I can say I did it in such a healthy way. A couple months later, it all went down hill.

    Everyone commenting on my weight loss was amazing, it made me feel happy that the hard work I put in was being noticed. I loved it. I got addicted to it.

    I had a fear that if I gained two pounds you could tell, and I would let everyone down who supported me in this journey or who congratulated me.

    It started simple. With a scale and weighing myself every morning. Depending how much I weighed that morning depends on how much I ate that day. I wish these poisoned thoughts never entered my mind but they did.

    I got addicted to the numbers and not eating enough. It became something I did subconsciously.

    I developed a cycle where I barely eat nothing all week, workout with hardly nothing in my body and at the end of the week I love the number on the scale I see so I reward myself. I end up binge eating. I wake up the next morning, I hate the number I see on the scale, and I start the same whole cycle again. I’ve lost ten pounds doing this, I’m not proud this time of this weight loss. It’s unhealthy and I’m hurting my soul, mind, and body doing it this way.

    I did not realize this was such an issue until I almost fainted at work, and someone had to sit me down. They tried to feed me some food, but I had starved myself so much that eating was just nauseating. I did not realize this was such an issue until I would eat a rice cracker and an egg for breakfast work all day, eat nothing and then go one a 2 mile/3mile run and almost faint taking hot showers because my body could not handle it. I did not realize this was such an issue until I realized I could not have a mixed drink at a party because too many calories. I did not realize this was such an issue when the days where I was supposed to eat “healthy” I ate a little too much, felt full and felt so bad about it I became nauseated and light headed.

    Being full makes me feel guilty. Being full makes me hate myself for letting myself get “out of control”


  2. For weeks I’ve wondered why I’m not good enough. All I’ve ever wanted is love and it’s frustrating that I can’t find it. I know there are bigger problems in the world and it may be selfish that I complain about it but I’ve never been able to witness real love in real life.

    My parents’ relationship is a catastrophe and everyone who I let get close to me takes advantage of me and runs. I just want someone to be there for me. I want someone to buy me flowers and tell me how much he cares about me every day and try his hardest to make me smile when I’m upset. I want to receive the same love I give and I can’t understand why it’s so hard for me to get it.

    I’ve always feared it’s because I’m too different for anyone to understand me and I guess the path I’ve chosen is a lonely one. I don’t know I’m trying to have hope but it’s not looking good right now.

    I’m just going to do me.


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